Hello my faithful subscribers and readers. I am writing this blog post with a slightly heavy heart (and heavier arse if we are being honest). First of all- this is a very “me me me me” entry. Just saying!
I started CWP 13 March 2015 and for the first 7 months it was a whirlwind of losses, confidence boosts, fresh outlooks and motivation. Then something changed. I got lazy. I got complacent. I got a bit cocky on holiday. I got full of excuses. I got discouraged. I got sluggish. I got used to the gains again. I got used to trying to make myself invisible again. I got used to all the shit I put myself through before I lost weight.
Excuses… are very different from reasons aren’t they. Initially, I did have a decent reason- holidays and Christmas. Tricky month, no problem lets get back on it right? But then the excuses began:
I feel ill. I am too tired. I’ve messed up this week. After next weigh in I’ll restart. I haven’t gained it all back, I am still good. I still fit into my clothes. I had an anxiety attack. I broke a nail. The cat is sick. I have a headache. I have a split end. One last meal and then I’ll quit….honest…
Reading back on my last few entries, I can see where I want to get back on track. I want to show the world that this diet works (and to be honest, it really does). I don’t want to be the “failure”. The one who lost a chunk of weight and gained it back straight away. I’ve never pretended that this plan is easy, and I’m the first one to say that a lot of people do this plan whilst juggling young families and more commitments than I have. Doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me I guess.
Today my consultant showed me why she’s my consultant, and why she’s so bloody good at what she does. I had exceeded the grace period for messing about and she let me know! The excuses are back. The sighs. The “but I really want this”. But do I?? I haven’t shown that I want my healthy lifestyle. It’s funny but she pointed out that she can’t remember the last time I came to a weigh in with manicured nails.
That really hit home to me.
When was the last time I painted my nails?? When was the last time I had my hair cut? When did I last wear make up? Why was I wearing the fat clothes? Why wasn’t I looking at myself in the mirror? Why had the selfies stopped? WHY?
In a perfect world I wouldn’t be writing this blog post. I’d be dancing around announcing I was almost at my goal weight. I’d be posting a million pictures of myself. But clearly, this is real life- my life. It’s a harsh lesson to learn, and maybe I’ve still not quite grasped it. But there is no chance in hell that I’m going to stop trying.
I feel slightly embarrassed and ashamed at writing this, and also slightly exposed. Weight loss is tied to so many different feelings. People associate it with moral character, your personality, your worth. I think they are right in a way- how much better was my life when I weighed less? I got more done, I was a nicer person to be around, I was driven, focused and did more. I was the best version of me.
So- going back to some of my old habits this year- what have I gained (apart from the obvious, fnar fnar)? Crap skin; double chin has returned; sweaty bum crack is back; constantly tired; feeling physically and mentally terrible; not being as social; not enjoying life as much.
Oh- and no food in the world helped any of the “reasons” I had for not sticking to the plan!
I feel I should apologise a little as this hasn’t been a very good weight loss blog recently! But this is for anyone who has done well, struggled, or is having a wobble.
Trust in yourself, no excuses, just do it.